Monday, October 26, 2009

Blew - The Inside Story

Location: 250 feet from Chinchpokli Station

Ensconced in a private resort under the blue skies and relaxing on a beach with their drinks in hand and eyes scanning the beach. That’s how you’d expect the cast and crew of the latest extravaganza Blew to be living, isn’t it? But we found them in a dinghy and shady hotel called Majestic Diamond, near the Chinchpokli railway station.

As soon as I enter, director Anhonee Diffusa issues a statutory but polite warning, “Please, no jokes or puns on the colour blue. I’ve had enough.” I agree (of course crossing my hands behind my back) to not crack any jokes there (and having said nothing about the piece I’d write). One look at the man and one could never believe he’s the one who’s directed the English version of Maano Ya Naa Mano and many a music videos.

So how has life been, post Blew? “Don’t ask me a question, and I will tell you no lies.” I reminded him that I already had. He answers, “Life’s been tough. When I started shooting for Blew, I had everything in life. Now even my wife refuses to recognise me. I’ve had to move to this place now”, he says. I turn to Producer saab to ask him about the film, but he doesn’t speak at all. Anhonee says, “He’s in a trauma currently. Uski poori kamayee barbaad ho gayi is picture mein. He’s had to sell all his cars, homes etc. He’s come down to usal paav and kaanda bhajiya from trouts and shark soup.”

Finally Producer saab decides to talk.

“We spent so much money on the sets and underwater shooting and all those kind of things that we actually forgot many things that were equally important”, he opines. Is he talking about the script? “Ba*****, jale pe namak mat chidak” is the angry retort. I decide to move on. While the promos were on, one could hear the strange chorus in the title song. What’s with all the “Balooo”? There came the revelation. Anhonee replies, “Actually, when we signed Khiladi, Enjoy Dutt, Lawruh and Rahman saab, we had no money left to get any good playback singer. So we had to get the best we could for the money we had left. The song is sung by Dayashankar Tripathi, a famous Bhojpuri singer of yore from Jaunpur, who had to drink 5 bottles of energy drinks before he sung the song, because he was so old. Ab hinterland ka koi banda gayega, to uska accent to hoga hi na?” How many takes did the song take then? “To be fair, it took only 9 takes. So that’s a total of 45 bottles. That’s still cheaper than getting an established singer”, calculates Producer saab. Infallible mathematics that.

What about Zayeda Khan? Producer saab says, “Oh, he came for free (thankfully). He said no one was giving him any roles, so he just asked if he could join in. Usne bola sir, mereko lelo, mera vacation bhi ho jayega. Biwi bhi qafi din se keh rahi hai, chhuti pe le jaane ko aur main bhi beach gaya nahi kuch dinon se. Anyways, he is used to such stuff. After he did that Mission wala filim, who will take him?”

Khiladi Kumar decided to open up, “When we doing this film, I very…..” I say, “You can speak in Hindi. No issues.” Relieved, he says, “Maine is film mein kaafi mehnat ki hai. Sabne ki hai. Khatron se khelna padta hai, nahin to kuch mazaa nahin. We all become Khatron ke……” I interrupt him politely asking, “Coming to reality shows, how was it on Biggg Busss?” He replies with a shudder, “Very scary. What is happening, bahut… (Hindi, I remind him) Kaafi daraavna tha. Aur mein jab gaya tha toh Jaya Sawant already out ho chuki thi. Rohit Verma ko dekh kar toh main qaafi confusion mein aa gaya tha…Thanks God, film last year nahin release hui. Nahin to Rahul Mahajan, Rakhi Sawant ek saath! Anyways, qaafi ro chuke. Hain ji, life mein up down to hoti rehti hai. Has lo thoda, hain! Lets all dance to Chiggy Wiggy!” The mood lightens and everyone dances, and since there is no Kylie, everyone watches Lawruh kick up the fifty year old dust on the carpet and awaken the various forms of wildlife in the room. Khiladi and Zayeda dance to the very end. After the impromptu performance, I ask slyly, “Aap thake to nahi na?” hinting at his age. He says, “Arre abhi to mein jawaan hu. Punjaab da gabru jawaan. ” I hear a soft “Hai, meri kamar” follow but I ignore it while covertly handing him a pain relief balm.

And why was Enjoy baba so silent today? “I’m a bit tired today.” Shooting? No, he says. He has just gotten back from breakfast. But it is lunch time. Yeah, that’s right, he adds, with a slight embarrassment. I press on, “How was it working with all the kids, especially Lawruh, who’s almost your daughter’s age?” “What kids? Except for Lawruh and Zayeda, everyone else is of my age! But I did have a lot of fun, especially the underwater shoots.” Did the paunch help him stay put in the water? “Yes it did. It really added to the dynamics of swimming. Actually it wasn’t really supposed to be shown. When we got Tharak Kumar as a cameraman, we gave him strict instructions to capture full body shots of only Lawruh and the sharks. But I think he had a gay moment and shot me too.” We agree on the point that full body shots of others would have been scary and the audience would have died of shock. Baba’s judgement of the audience is exemplary.

Lunch arrives in the form of oily sabji and paapadesque chapaati. I refuse and move on. Khiladi says, “Yaar. Sab itna serious kyun ho gaye. Tumko pata hai? Main aur producer saab ne jab pehli baar Chuggy Wuggy suna tha, to humein laga yeh Gujarati logon ke bare mein hai. Aur Kylie ka naam bhi aisa hi hain, ji?” It can happen to anyone, I add. The song name does stir up an image of two Gujjus in their star studded shirts and red jeans with intricately woven embroidery. But that is a different matter. What about Lawruh? “I enjoyed it thoroughly. And since I have already got my fees, I couldn’t care less what happens to the film”, she adds with a whisper.

As a final word, I ask everyone what their future plans are. Lawruh will continue with her comedy genre with Govinduh. When you have a co-star twice your size and half your height, it makes you look four times hotter, doesn’t it? Khiladi also has similar plans, mostly with Cutreena. And what about baba? He doesn’t have any plans of retiring yet. He has plans of opening a School of Rock. But more about that in the next edition. Zayeda is looking for newer avenues to enter. Producer saab wants to produce a film of the type Reshma ki Jawaani, Khooni Haseena etc. His Raat ki Kali Subah ko Khili is already being shot with Rockhee Sawant. I suggest he change the “Kali” part to something realistic. I at least have hopes of recovering my money, he says. I have to agree with him.

And Diffusa? He plans to make a serious hard hitting drama film, this time on land, and costing one fourth the budget of Blew. And who will be the producer? Sohell Khan, he informs. So there will naturally be Dullman? I guess, he says.

I wish him all the very best, and leave instantly to dying strains of “Abey, tere ko fir se doobna hai kya?” from the ever youthful, Khiladi Kumar.


Neeraj said...

hilarious. Sounds a lot like fakeiplplayer though admittedly I havent read many of his posts. The nicknames are nice! Good stuff

SSD said...

Thanks. This got rejected at JAM though. My first rejection :)

FAkeIPL was nice. Really hilarious.

Digant Trivedi said...

Brilliant!!!! Solid hai boss.. and d gujju part is so true man... WHy they rejected this is not a surprise, for it was borderline offensive and you guys could've landed in tirubble.. lol.. but awesome!!!

Mufaddal said...

coolio - papadesque chapati was my favourite

swati nidiganti said...

And after such a review how could you go to watch it, just to torture yourself!!!

Anant said...

Awesome stuff, man! Hilarious.

GaYaTrI said...

Too good!

More than worth the money I "donated" to Blew & Sin-e-max :D

SSD said...

I saw the movie yest.This was just based on the trailer.

More to come on the movie. Sorry for the repetitive posts, but I have to do it :)

Aggie M said...

They rejected this ??!!
i hate that song. The squeaky one.

Pratham Dev said...

yeh baar toh foda hai tune datar .. I actually read it twice !! If JAM rejected this then u shud reject jam ..l o l o l o l

Vasavadatta said...

:) Awesome-O!

I like what you say about Balooo.