Saturday, November 13, 2010

No Action Replay

After a pretty long period no? Seriously, I'd gotten lazy and had somehow lost my will to write. Not because of any particular reason. I just didn't know what to write about. When I was at JAM, I used to travel a lot, and used to get into awkward situations that made for some fine reading for all the three people who read this blog. Like the time when I'd gone to interview Priyanka Chopra or when I took (not 'gave') various MBA entrance exams.

But now that I'm at this decent, comfy job, there's nothing to write about. Except for the fact that I am now learning to think like a woman. You see, I'm on two women's brands. So I, an engineer, who until May 2009 had only rarely had a glimpse of women in his college life, have been catapulted into this convoluted world of beauty products. 

And let me tell you that selling beauty products is a tough job. Why? Because there are many limits which women set for themselves that we men cannot even imagine. Many a times, I've come up with a script which I thought was pretty cool but had to redo it because it was offensive to women or because women would not react the way I thought they would (or both). I once had to write a script asking girls to send their pictures and the ones which had would be put up on billboards. 

My line of thought: Girl on billboard -> People will look -> will be overwhelmed by her beauty -> will cause problems at signals since they are busy checking her out. 

My script: A driver is getting a scolding from people since he forgot to move when the signal turned green (he was busy looking at the billboard).

My boss' thoughts: Girl on billboard -> People will look -> will be overwhelmed by her beauty -> will cause problems at signals since they are busy checking her out -> who are the ones checking her out -> rickshaw and taxi drivers -> Laughter ensues -> Back to the drawing board.

In hindsight, it seems pretty logical. But logic doesn't often help in beauty products, and I as an engineer am getting used to it.  I have to be a woman on the inside. And I'm learning a lot. Which means that I now know about women more than all of you guys. Muahahaha. I shouldn't be boasting too much though. Because (as many of my friends have been noting recently), my 'love life' is the same as ever. Zero. "Kuch baat bani ki nahi?" is what I've been asked. All I can say is 'meh'. Why? I have no clue. I haven't tried at all, and logically, I should be best placed to do so, since I "know women better now" and all. But truthfully speaking, I really don't know. Anyone willing to help me out is welcome. But I'm very well placed to help you guys out (giving advice is easier!). So any time you need any help, call me. I charge 1000 bucks per hour for consultation. *evil Mandark laugh, then realises that Mandark's love life sucked. Feels stupid*

I just watched Action Replayy last weekend. I feel cheated and robbed. And I paid 300 bucks for the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. We walked out after the first half, and hogged on pav bhaji. Felt much better. Absolute lack of story (not too uncommon), no plot (again normal), hackneyed dialogues and forced school-level humour(starts to irritate a little), and really loud dialogues (head bursts).  

Here's a summary of the first half. Akshay and Aishwarya are married but unhappy and always bickering and fighting. The son decides to put things right by going back in time (!) with the help of a time machine which travels through time by breaking the, wait for it, sound barrier! Yay, complete science fail! No matter. After copying Back to the Future, he arrives in the 70s where he is the only one dressed differently, and still no one notices. Dad Akshay is an idiot, and mom Aishwarya is a badass girl (Ooh, scary). She and her gang of friends (Rannvijay and Rajpal Yadav) spend their nights and days, hatching plans to steal, wait for it, (too much HIMYM) a bunch of rose plants from Akshay's dad Om Puri. By the way, both Akshay and Aishwarya (whose mom Kirron Kher overpowers Om Puri) live in palatial mansions right opposite VT station. Yes, right where the BMC building stands. Then it's Holi time and Om Puri gets smothered with water balloons by Rannvijay. Then they steal his roses. They smother Akshay too, who retaliates with a balloon filled with air (Nal mein paani nahi aa raha thha Babuji). Then they make a prank call, and steal roses. Then Aishwarya dances and struts around in a mini skirt (which no one finds shocking or revealing) and then they steal roses again. 

The son, meanwhile, is trying to hook up his mom and dad. Dad Akshay is an idiot, and is called a gadha by his father every 5 seconds. The volume turns 5 notches up when he does so, and then suddenly there is a song. Then there is a scene with Aishwarya, and they steal Akshay's dhoti this time (they'd had enough roses) to keep up with the tradition (they'd done it to his father too.) Then Aishwarya dances in the streets and I start stabbing Aishwarya. No wait, that was when I fell asleep. I woke up to find "Intermission" written on the screen and we all walked out free men. It felt good. For 2 minutes. Then we realised that we'd paid 300 bucks. Damn it, we should've been paid to watch this movie. 

Anyway, I'll write more from now on. The offer still stands to all the men who want women-related advice. 

Rs 1000 per hour. I take cash only. No cheques/credit cards. Aamchi shakha kuthe hi  nahi. Thank you and enjoy this.


Digant Trivedi said...

decent. But like you said, it's been a long time. Get back on your feet boyo.

rvnd said...

Same old! I mean great stuff!
Hows work? Thats irrelevant here! :P

Grace Personified said...

this should be fun :P will you let us know about the success rate of your clientele?

SSD said...

@Digant I know. Trying to.

@rvnd Work is fine. Pretty nice.

@Grace Of course. Please convey the message to all your friends. Let's work out a commission system if possible :)

Vivek Kumar said...

good one...
enjoyed reading it..

Ashish said...

Funny and interesting read. As always...

Keep up the good work ( of both writing and studying woman) !

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The Ice Man said...

good work... lets compare notes someday... maybe we could help each other out!!!
Still don't know how you could spend 300 on Action Replay... "Awaaz Niche"!!!

Agent Orange said...

Saurabh Datar offering women-realted advice.

This I have to see.

Make tapes, transcribe and sell them for a new genre in comedy and the millions we seek, Paps. =)

And nice HTML-ing on your blog.