Saturday, February 12, 2011

The Secret Justice System

Be nice to people. Not because you want to be treated nicely as well. Because there is a secret justice system that is observing everything that you are doing and keeping a record of it. And when the time comes, it will all come back to you in equal measure. 

No, but sir, you never,
Kids, every time you're naughty, your parents will automatically want you to show your dance moves to Kapoor uncle. Every time you shirk your homework and watch TV, your mother will make karele ki sabzi on a weekend (both dinner and lunch). Don't make fun of anyone lest you want that childhood photo album of you dressed as a princess shown to everyone. Don't trouble your teachers too much or the system will have Arnab Goswami as your examiner for your viva voce instead. Teachers don't be too hard on your students or you will have him as a student instead.

Even when you grow up, the law continues to hold. Be very careful. One small mistake and boom, your friends will have made a plan to watch Tees Maar Khan after college. And you have to pay. 

Every time you mock someone, that girl you really like will turn out to have a mouth like Sonam Kapoor and a brain like Kareena Kapoor. 

Whenever you make fun of people, the justice system ensures that your girlfriend gifts you sunglasses that make you look like Karunanidhi. Whenever you are snobbish, you will find yourself choosing from the following directors to have a movie made on your life - Sajid Khan, Madhur Bhandarkar or Priyadarshan. One more wrong step and Vivek Oberoi will play the lead role. So be careful, okay?

Neighbours, every time you compare your MBA son's salary with a non-MBA person's salary, the system makes your son audition for Roadies, where he gets selected, loses, auditions for Dance India Dance, gets selected, loses again but decides to keep the haircut he got on the show. Whenever you make someone else feel small, your daughter will join Splitsvilla, and spill all your secrets on national television. Be careful not to be too vain about your wealth, or flaunt it shamelessly otherwise Mayawati will personally visit your house and perform a havan using your money as fuel. Don't let success go to your head or your wedding card will designed by a bunch of baboons using a pirated version of Photoshop on Windows Vista. The same bunch that churns out political hoardings in Mumbai. The system will ensure that.

Guys from the corporate world, every time you claim your 'expenses', your family will want to eat a "traditional, Rajasthani thali" at the mall. Double price, eating food that looks like an elephant took a dump (tastes like it?), sitting on chairs where there are other people glaring at you for not eating fast. It's almost like prison, except here, you have to pay to get in. Stay away from office politics or the system will ensure that your career advisor is Sania Mirza. Don't try to put anyone down or the secret system will ensure that Ashok Chavan invests in the housing society you just bought a home in. Don't vent your spleen on the driver or the waiter just because your job sucks, because you might just end up having to work at a telecom company where your job is to ask people to switch over to your network. And don't use your cell phone while driving or show off your BBs or your wife's cell phone number will be forwarded to Shane Warne. And if you are a woman, it'll go to Raja Chaudhary.

Actors, every time you lie on camera or the system will see to it that Suresh Kalmadi (make that SM Krishna) reads out your achievements on the day they felicitate you with a lifetime achievement award. How, you ask? He will. Wait and watch. And Charu Sharma will host the show. The secret justice system has a counter with a beeper on it that goes red whenever you act smug when it comes to your acting skills. Don't do it or you will have to admit on the same talk show that you use a particular brand of skin rash cream. Let's see how you do that with a straight face and maybe then your vainness is justified. Try and pull a publicity stunt on a charity event and you will have Digvijay Singh as a director for your film. And Amar Singh as the playback singer.  

Filmmakers, the next time you try to claim a rip-off as an original, the system will personally send Rajnikanth to remake you. And throw it in the dustbin. 

It's either Khali's voice or you
News people, turn down the shit knob on your channels or you will find yourself in a Saw-like situation where you have to do either of these two things - transcribe Khali's audio interviews or die.

Cricketers, please concentrate more on the game or else you'll have to host a talk show on DD with Atul Wassan and Saba Karim. 

Every one else who I'm too lazy to categorise, my apologies. Be good, because in this crazy world, you never know what can happen. I believe in the system. Do you?

PS: The system doesn't work on politicians.

Image courtesy: Google


Neeraj said...

Haha brilliant!
Also, I want to see that photo of you dressed as a princess!

Ankush said...

brilliant stuff man..

SSD said...

@Neeraj Haha. Princess toh nahi, but frock types mein hai. And apne pair pe kulhadi nahi marunga :)

@Ankush Thanks man!

Umesh said...

really good stuff....and next time try to include somebody other than that..others don't feel left out..and yeah good topic..

Ruturaj said...

Absolute brilliant write up. Well researched... tells me.. be careful.. :) I will. :D Once again.. simply superb.

4 Aum said...

super! stress

praveen said...

Brilliant work dude..u keep getting better.. the controlled cynicism is also great!!!

Mona said...

Very, very good stuff!

Grace Personified said...

Great comeback post! Likha kar aur tu yaar.

Vasavadatta said...

so where is that 6th standard photo of you dressed as krishna and surrounded by gopis? :)

Abhijit said...

excellent ..

SSD said...

@Vasava Hehe. I shall take that with me to my grave. Or rather, my pyre.

@Abhijit Thank you.

Mr. Ahmad said...

hahahah...really good...i mean its amazing yaar....

Anonymous said...

Interesting! Yet sensical stuff!